Posts tagged #Black

Uninvited Guest

Uninvited Guest is a movie about Mekhi Phifer being a Home wrecking psychopath. Review over! Please, you wish I was done talking about this movie. It is another fine example of Black Hollywood being so...deliciously bad for you. It's like Red Velvet cake or Zebra cakes, it's gonna give you diabetes but it is delicious.

Anyway where to start, maybe the cast? Mekhi plays Silk, a hustler that's smooth as silk. Yes! I did throw up in my mouth just then too. Mari Morrow plays Mari Morrow. Seriously, name one movie and not the Soul Food series with her in it. Fuck even in Soul Food she was playing Mari Morrow. If you’re still clueless to her, here you go "Pretty Light Skin Chick #12-373". Better? She plays Debbie, an annoying wife with...upper middle class black people problems. Her husband Howard is played by Mel Jackson. I think we all as black people must take responsibility for making Mel Jackson, much like white people with Bryan Adams. Also in this is the beautiful, underrated but always over acting Malinda Williams playing what she does best....a hood chick. BoysIIMen singer Wanya Morris is in this proving to me that no R&B dude should ever play a thug. All of you look like tissue paper in a field of thorns! Also Kim Fields is in this...somewhere. Seriously, she ninja's in and out this thing.

We open this movie up with Mari surprising Howard butt naked for their anniversary, but he brought his homies. She's pissed of course but more so because he's finishing a screenplay. Besides he forgot the anniversary anyway, saying "There will be other anniversaries." And BOOM! 2:25 minutes!!! Damn that was quick...that quick to prove to me you're an asshole in this movie Mel. So she leaves to go see her girlfriend Tammy (Malinda Williams) who's smoking weed (Never change Malinda). After that we get a scene of the three guys trying to write the movie. Howard is pointing out plot holes in the movie. (, I'm not going to make a joke). So coming to the door looking to use the house phone is Mekhi Phifer...uh, Silk. Silk is looking to use the phone because his car broke down. In a residential area you were just driving through? Ahh whatever, guess you have to be no movie. I forgot to mention the other friend in this. Howard's boys are Mo and Tre. Mo(Wayna) is a dude from the streets and Tre plays homosexual with straight friends. My bad, he plays a horrible actor. The whole time we got Mo overreacting to Tre's gayness, sprinkled in with some of the worst alpha male comebacks ever. Imagine a 10th grader, there you go. Wait so you agreed to work on a screenplay together, so why is his gay lifestyle so...hedfuhdjkgfkhsdfdhgs! Sorry I hate movies that go "Fuck you figure it out or ignore it!" Tre convinces Howard he will "look" after him. Well at least Howard's not a cock blocker. Also it's 1999 and you're in an Upper class area, where the hell is your cordless phone at? I get it, I get it, no movie.

Doesn't matter anyway, Howard let Silk know about his screenplay idea and lets him give his own ideas. He's a well read black man. Hell he even convinces the guys to play some Poker. I like how 90's this is, he's just going by the name Silk and no one is questioning it! The girls return from the mall to see Silk in the back with the guys and Tammy wants Silk for no other reason than sex. Hey, honestly goes a long way bruh. Because Tammy is a liberated open black woman and actress (forgot to mention that, don't worry the movie does too.)She asks Debbie talk on her behalf. Times have changed; nowadays those girls won't shut up. Silk and Debbie actually hit it off as well as Stevie Wonder is at typing his own novel. It's basically Silk keeps flirting with her, but I'm not sure if it's flirting if it's you constantly saying "we should fuck". But Silk isn't just that flat. Nah he reads Debbie need for sex so well he even knows she was once an artist. A woman who choices to work and put her passion aside for a man that doesn't care for her and oh my god you heard this line before. He uses every good line even making her cum on a kitchen counter by telling her to image. And whatever she was thinking about had a better narrative then the movie! Then he eats her out! I'm not joking but just one thing. How did he get out before Howard could clear see him running away? Yeah, yeah, it would be no movie.

So we get a scene with the fellas talk about this 3 million dollar script. I wonder how good it is. Each time they bring up it sounds like its either a porn or BET movie. Just then a cop comes over and all 3 men answer the door. The five-o is looking for Silk and as they were going to tell the cop, Silk lays the cop out. He then ties up the guys in the basement and kills the cop. All while Debbie is upstairs taking a sexy bath. It's interrupted by Silk because he’s a creep. And a robber/murderer. Yeah he robbed a store and killed a guy in the beginning of the movie. I didn't mention because even if you didn't see the scene you didn’t need it. Silk is Quagmire inside thean extra on the set of Juice. You didn't need the backstory. Well anyway Debbie tells Silk to leave like 10 times when she can't find Howard. Even after she changes her clothes he's still there. Call the cops bitch, what? Do you think that would be rude? Silk lies and say he who's where Howard is and takes her his bike. I love the fact this "real man" is letting her ride without a helmet on a sports bike. Chivalry! They go to an art gallery, he poses as her husband, and they look at paints and then pointless backstory. You see Debbie's dad was a painter and she shared his passion. There's even a scene earlier where she makes a note to ask Howard if she should paint again. Well they return and NOW Debbie is really worried about her husband's whereabouts. Guess the script said so. While looking around and NOT IN THE BASEMENT, Silk jumps into an already heated hot tub. Debbie is only mildly annoyed by all of this by the well. I would be too if I saw Mekhi Phifer's balls dancing in a hot tub. After four no's, Silk outright takes the pussy and rapes her in the hot tub. And to me that's rape, yes she wanted it too but that's playing chicken with fed time! During this scene I wish I saw boob. Just being honest people. Mel Jackson is in this, the movie owns me! Speaking of which, Howard shows up in the window with a gag in his mouth. Debbie runs to him on the floor, which is funny. HIS LEGS WEREN'T EVEN TIED UP! Silk drags them into the basement and tie them up. 

I know this is gonna sound dumb, but...this is where the movie starts getting weird.

Silk goes on a short rant on how he banged Debbie. Howard's mad but it’s more like "I told you so” type fight with the two. Silk because he can easily leave with Debbie decides its better play house for no reason but to waste film stock. Pffft, progression? Fuck you this is art. Meanwhile Howard trying to keep his buddies encouraged but no use. Which make Mo ask Tre for forgiveness for calling him faggot. Then he goes in on how he was a lost brother on the streets, blah blah. To make it worse Wanya can't fucking act, so him trying to have his Dough Boy moment is laughable. Then because Debbie tried to run from Silk he kills Mo. And in a movie with shit writing, we get the best line in the whole film. 

Mo- Fuck ya' life!

Silk- Nah, fuck yours!

I gotta say, cheesy one liner and you killed the worse actor in the movie. Good work. ...then it’s followed by the dumbest line in the movie!

Silk- Girl...I could've been out of the country by now!


So does he kill them all now? Nope, he makes Howard answer the door. It's Tammy!!!... I forgot you were in this movie. So after that nothing scene, Silk gets into a fist fight with Tre. I'll kinda forgive this dumbass trope of the gay dude is weak because Ving Rhames didn't do Holiday Heart yet. Well I got to give it to the movie; Tre gets a 4x4 and beats Silk back BUT DOESN'T AIM FOR THE HEAD!!! Somebody didn't watch ECW! Then Tammy comes back to break up the fight, making her last scene fucking brilliantly pointless. But with all the rumbling, Silk still has the gun! Fail! Die now! He kills Tre and Tammy pieces it all together. The dead bodies, the fighting, Debbie and Howard tied up. So...does Silk kill them all now? Jesus, I'm starting to think this movie is a little bit stupid. Now follow me on this, because trust me you'll get confused. Tammy makes a run for it and Silk chases her. Debbie and Howard get free and make a plan THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE CALLING THE COPS OR KILLING SILK! We then get a scene as tense as light jogging around your backyard, with Tammy hiding from Silk. He brings her back downstairs and gets a knife to his neck by Debbie. You can kill him Debbie. JUST DO IT! Nope. Instead the girls drag Silk back to the fucking basement again because directors didn't give a shit back in 1999, and they lightly kick him a few times then tie him up. Then the director keeps jamming the camera in Silk's face like he's supposed to be Hannibal or some crap. Or maybe the directors an idiot, he hasn't proved me wrong otherwise. Then comes the twist! Howard comes downstairs and heel turn.

That's right! Howard was behind the whole thing! I'll be honest, I'm clearly not a film or literature major and I haven't seen all the movies ever made but I'm pretty this is the most idiotic plan I've seen in a movie! Howard wanted to make the perfect script but he sucks at it hard. So he paid Silk (MOMENTS AFTER A ROBBERY) to work for him. They'll kill everyone, they call the cops, Howard is the lone survivor and he pens the movie script. Like anything in life, I question how it can work. But not this plan, it's foolproof. So they kill them? HA! They tie them up because run time. And then Howard's snorting coke. WHERE THE FUCK DID THAT COME FROM!? So not only is he a failed writer, gambler and alleged drunk but he also likes blow. Damn movie just give him devil horns and stop fucking around. Howard and Silk joke but then it gets serious when Howard jokes about Silk screwing his wife. Silk is all defending her honor when not 4 minutes ago in dialogue he calls her a hoe! Guess he had a change or heart. So a whole lot of nothing happens when finally Silk has a change of heart and leaves the house. Why? He took Debbie's painting somewhere. Don't worry, it's all integral to the plot, just shut up and wait for the payoff.  Howard is all paranoid because the powers of coke and lazy direction. He and Silk bark back and forth about crap we know and for Silk to just kill the girls. Why not do it yourself Howard, are you high or something? ...

So as a finally plea, Debbie is now in "love" with Silk. Silk follows up all by saying "Suck my dick" with Tammy telling her to do a good job too. So they go upstairs because the script said so and WHERE IS HOWARD AT! Doing coke I guess. So they go upstairs and Debbie act like she's going to do it but they fight. Within the scuffle she shoots Silk in the gut, then looks under the bed and sees something. Howard comes in, standoff that goes nowhere. Tammy comes in, standoff goes nowhere. Why? To reveal that Tammy and Howard were in on it the whole time. GOD WHY! That would mean everything to this point of the movie for Tammy made no sense. Why "play a role" when all it would take was for Howard to shoot Debbie in the head. Also why anything with Tammy, she didn't plant no seeds of lust in Debbie's head and she's kinda didn't know the whole plan herself, so why even fuck that up? All of this was to show that Debbie cheated on Howard, why? NO ONE WROTE A REASON! Doesn't matter because apparently Howard was with Tammy and purposely didn't have sex with Debbie for two months. Flawless victory indeed Howard. Anyone care? No? Perfect. And apparently Silk knew this too...and he's still alive! Guess a shot to the gut from point blank range means fuck all in the Uninvited Guest Universe. So the girls fight, the guys fight, Howard shoots Debbie in the back. FINALLY!!! Then we get the sad moment...I didn't care. I guess Silk died loving her. Awwwww, Silk took her painting to the art gallery early and they threw it up there THAT SAME NIGHT! I mean fuck Debbie, who saw her last 20 hours go from bad to worse in a ball of confusion and betrayal. Boring Silk fell in love. The cops show up and find Debbie's tape recorder under the bed still recording. The end.

..., this movie is amazing. It's been awhile since I seen a black movie with actually star power suck so bad. The story is ridiculous, the cheesy 90's mack lines suck, and the non-existent direction and story is a soap script if it was thrown in a blender. Funny thing is that it is so bad and cheesy that I strongly recommend it if you are a bad movie survivalist or you really like riffing on a movie. The only positives in this movie is in how bad it is. And to be fair, I like that.




Grade- F (But as a Bad Movie- A-)