One of my fellow friends said...
"The late 90's was the last of good black movies. What have we done outside of Madea movies. Nothing. No good black movies in 12 years."
I simply said...
"That's not true. We had "Peoples", "Lackewanna Blues", many said "The Family that Preys" was good, "Hotel Rwanda", "Dreamgirls", my personal favorite "Cadillac Records"... so no."
"None of those movies were like the ones back in the day. Not like "House Party 3", "Woo" or..."
Right there i realized that I was being trolled. But then I saw the look in his eye. And then I got sad.
"Woo" is a movie I'm sure was funny and interesting when it came out but within the 4 weeks of its release it got out dated. To say this movie hasn't aged well is an understatement. My Diplomats shirt with a bleach stain on from 2006 still has a pulse! Because of its age, it almost becomes unwatchable. Anyone who values time will shut this shit off 5 minutes. Not me. I watched the all the cut scenes in Final Fantasy X. TIME MEANS NOTHING TO ME!
So the movie starts off with our star Woo(Jada Pinkett) walking down the New York City streets and she is sooooo fine. I mean to all the guys eye fucking her as she walks. Even white boys like Woo. Not me. I love Jada "I made Jaden and Willow" Pinkett-Smith, but come on. At least to me. There's something very, exoskeleton about her. She meets with her ultra fabulously gay fortune teller. He tells her that a Virgo will enter her life and change her life. Woo doesn't like it but deals with it. And yes for a few of you, Jada is a Virgo but the script is already made. We then met Tim(Tommy Davidson), a single male who is a bit of a chump. He co-signed a girls car note and he didn't sleep with her. And I have to agree. Because as we all know, one night of sex equals to a 2000 dollar car note. His three friends are poon-hounds trying to bang anything that breaths. I like how Duane Martin gets mentioned by name in the opening credits. ...why? Well as you guess, Tim is the nerd of the group who is sexless and is getting ready to jerk off to a fitness show. Yeah...
Meanwhile Woo is forcing her cousin to go with her. Her cousin(Paula Jai Parker) is trying to get this bitch off her couch so she and her husband played by Dave Chappell-oh my God what the fuck are you doing in this movie!!! Well delivering the best line in the movie. He calls Tim and tries to hook him up with Woo. And calls him a "dusty-dick nigga". I ROFL'd. After Woo and Tim talk over the phone, Woo is on her way to his apartment. And anyone with any small house/school project would shut off the film and get it done. Not me! I saw Hobogoblins and it wasn't riffed by the MST3K crew. This shit is nothing to me! So we get a scene of him cleaning up. And it's not a 90's movie with Tommy Davidson until he shows his ass, and he does. After cleaning he wants to set the mood. So he goes next to see his neighbor, LL Cool J playing...he has a name but it's fucking LL. He gives him a bag in it is a slow jams mix tape, a joint, oils and rubbers. That's nice of him. I would have sold it to him for 25 bucks. It's called making a profit. Well Woo makes it to Tim's apartment. Press the hi jinx bottom. The hell you except? Tommy Davidson turning into Billy Dee Williams? ...and yes the four of you that know this movie, I will eat those words.
So before you ask, yes Dave Chappelle has one more scene. It's him in boxers and a pimp with matching cape, having Paula Jai Parker act like a chicken. ...because married people have weird sex? Well despite the dumb shit, he's actually succeeding with being a gentlemen. Lucky for him Woo is desperate for attention and she could fuck him just for that. Psych! Lol, she's playing him and his boys come over unexpectedly. Hahahah! I seen episodes of Spongebob that were more clever. Before I go on, Jada is doing some serious over acting. In fact everyone is trying too hard and it looks goofy. Or maybe that was the point. His boys are going out and more focused on if Tim fucked Woo. "Why? What does it do for your life?". What is it like "Tim had sex with a hot chick. Now let's cure cancer." All of this boils into why women hate packs of men. Because they always call them "bitches" or "hoes". That in essence is most of the movie. Men are dogs and no woman anywhere is a bitch. I can hear the TLC in the background as this movie was written. Tim is a gentleman that can handle a "real" woman like Woo. A woman who is stuck to herself, labeling people before she gets to know them, and a stereotype in her own right. You know a real woman. ...fuck this movie.
So they go out to a fancy restaurant. Woo speaks some Italian to their waiter. The night looks good. Then Woo sees Tony Soprano's sister and acts ghetto. Then she gets them kicked out of the restaurant. Anybody with a brain cell would leave this ratchet, but no. Tim stays because she's making his life exciting and he really-really-really-really wants to bone her. They go to a Salsa in the Park night, which I have to say actually sounds like a lot of fun. Unfortunately his friends are there to suck the life out of any funny lines that Tommy Davidson says. We also find out that they're losers. Go fucking figure! Sonny Bono in Troll gets more action than these guys. And no I'm doing Troll! So they leave and we see Tim's ex zooming by in a Corvette. Woo in so many words tells Tim to steal the car. That's right, commit a crime because the woman you barely know wants you to. So they go to another secert club and hi jinx. We also find out that Tim lied to Woo about being a lawyer. This is a issue because guys lie all the time to impress women. But this is really a none issue. It's just there to piss Woo off so wacky shit can go down. Like Woo bumping into her ex. She gets called a bitch...GUESS WHAT HAPPENS BECAUSE YOU'LL NEVER WILL! Tim defends her, gets laid out and Tim and Woo get thrown out. Oh yeah, his car gets stolen.
So he goes to the precinct to report his missing car. Shenanigans! Woo knows the cop who can help them. And Tim makes a Johnny Cochran joke. Now that's how you waste film! So Tim tells Woo the truth. That's she's been told she's sexy all her life and she can do whatever she wants to. Then tells her to take a cab and fuck off. Woo says her peace and leaves. Thank God. The movie was bad but it didn't last long. ............no. We got 25 minutes left. Fuck how? Tim's conscience enters the movie in form of Billy Dee Will-why are you in this movie! The hell Billy Dee, you're Wing Commander money didn't zap out that quick did it? He basically tells him that Woo is too damn fine to let go. Is this movie even real? Actually...yeah. It is. Remarkably real. Follow me on this. Woo isn't a whore or anything like that. She has a magnetic personality and she knows everyone. She's easy on the eyes and she seems like she's fun. This character in itself is real. Very real. Because we know a "Woo". And a lot of guys either need one or desires a woman like that. Despite how crazy the girl is. ...oh it doesn't make the movie good. This movie still sucks. Also bit of a side note, Billy Dee wasn't the only league of the black movie scene in the movie. Woo's parents were shot but not put in the movie. They were Jim Brown and Pam Grier. I can take a shot on how it went. "Damn yo daddy scary, damn yo mama fine." SCENE!
So Woo somehow meets up with Tim's friends and they go to another club. I like how there's over 100 clubs in NYC but yet the Three Stooges always show up. Meh, club hoppin. This time it's a drag queen spot, Woo has to met her fortune teller.Gee, I hope the dumbass of the group doesn't fall in lov-OF COURSE HE FUCKING DOES! Woo talks with him and let's him know about Tim. After some sage advice she's off to find him again. You heard that drag queen. Get yo' man! So Woo searches for Tim in a taxi and finds him but not before the car splashes water on him and soaks the poor bastard. After a short fight and a quick makeup they go to another party. It's got to be 3 am by now! Anyway we get a cameo from rapper Foxy Brown! Damn...that felt dated as all hell just now. There Woo fights with a dude and Foxy. Foxy Brown in a fight.......no. The jokes not worth it. Tim defends her only for it to be her little brother and he's marrying Foxy. ..............nope. Not worth a joke. But Foxy looks good. Good and high. So after a (grunt)sweet back and forth, I think their in love? Ah it's a bad movie, theys in luv. And they even steal the car that he co-signed for. Full circle. And we end the movie with the couple dancing in the street. And then a semi-trunk runs over the car. No joke that happened. Let's see a hour and twenty minutes. Yeah, not getting that back.
Woo is just one of those movies. Outside of 2 to 4 scenes, it's not funny. Woo maybe charming to some but only in that realm of reality. Jada Pinkett looked like she was having fun playing her. It's like she saw the script and said...fuck it. I need some walking around money. Will's ID4 checks are still coming in. Tommy Davidson is the only good thing about this movie. The story is by the book, the jokes are dated and scenes just keep going after the point was made. It's not a easy sit through. Real quick trivia. Tupac was gonna play Tommy Davidson's character. This would be the second role producer John Singleton would have reserved for Tupac. Yeah, connect like 3 more people and you'll get Kevin Bacon. I can't say I hated the movie, it just wasn't what I want to see...like ever.
And I call bullshit on the title. With a name like "Woo" I would have liked at least one reference to Ric Flair.