Lollipop Chainsaw

Sometimes I wonder if it is really necessary to get females into gaming. Before you jump me, let me explain. I'm talking from a marketing stand point. The female sex has always been exiled from the boy's hobby of gaming since the days of the Atari. But yet, with each new console more females get into it. Do you know how many girls played Dreamcast? A lot! And they didn't play "girly" titles either. But yet its the year 2013 and we're still type casting our female gamers. It's still a boys club, and nothing will change that. Nothing. Not a game, a squad of hardcore female gamers or female champions in the FGC. There will still be sexless douche-holes belittling our ladies and guys who will use their power to tell the girls in so many words, "Go fix me dinner and knit me a sweater." So what do you do? Make a game that takes "Girl Power" into overload while keeping the guys interested. This is how we get to "Lollipop Chainsaw". A game that blurs the lines so brilliantly I damn near say its genius. Oh, this game is border line crap but I'll get into it all.

In this game, which is a ripoff of the comic book "Cheerleaders vs. Zombies" which you can say is a ripoff of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"; was writing by horror-comedy writer James Gunn. He's ok...if you liked the Scooby Doo movies! First thing you notice when looking at the box is "Wow, those are some perfect tits!" "And she sucks on a Lollipop!" "Those Tig ol' bitties" "Dude she's blonde". That's pretty much everyone, hell I know a few female gamers who would rub one out on those puppies. But take a closer look at that cover. The skull on the letter "I" in the word chainsaw has hearts in its eyes. Then a rainbow shooting out of the letter "P". The chainsaw itself has a heart on it, and damn there's a lot of subtle use of pink in this picture. With the zombies and blood you never notice that shit. If you're a dude, your hoping this broad gets naked and if you're chick, "Fuck yeah, lemme kill sum zombies!" And that's how you guys got played. I say that because this game is underwhelming. By far this game doesn't suck but it's not worth any of the fucking praise the gamer mags gave it.

The game starts off innocent enough, we met our lead Juliet Starling, and she happy its her 18th birthday. Hear that fellas? You can masturbate with a clear conscience! She's on her way to San Romero High School park to meet her boyfriend, Nick. Just then, a zombie outbreak occurs! Stage 1 you're beating up zombies in a parking lot. The controls are pretty decent but limited. It's a hack and slash, no need for intructions. All you need is a guy to come out and ask if you played "No More Heroes or Dynasty Warriors" then leaves you to your business. You get coins that can be used for power ups and moves. You can also buy art. Why? That should just unlock and not waste our money. Also if you cut off 3 or more zombie heads at the same time, you'll get a Platinum coin thats worth more. You'll need those to buy outfits and music. The outfits range from American to Japanese businessman levels of preversion. But it's okay, Juliet is 18. Once again the music, why buy it? All it is are songs that you've heard in the game already. That should either already be unlocked or not a option. You also have to protect students throughout this game. It doesn't get annoying, but you will give up at least once or twice because you're not paying attention. Sadly enough if you want the good ending you'll have to save them all. Good/Bad ending...yeah, because the story demands it.

I forgot to mention the biggest saving grace to this game. The voice of Juliet, Tara Strong (a
chick I would ride like a Huffy bike) is fucking hilarious in this game. I will give the game that much, Juliet and Nick's dialogue is one of the better aspects of the game. When you arrive you see Nick fighting off a zombie which bites him. Realizing he will become a zombie, Juliet decides she must decapitate him to save him. When Nick comes to, he discovers he's still alive, and is a talking a severed head. Juliet reveals to him that she is a zombie hunter too. Then tells him that she performed a magical ritual on him which keeps his soul from being turned into a zombie and retaining his humanity, thus explaining his continued existence as a severed head. Okay...stop.

#1. How much of a dumb jock can you be not to notice that she's Jill Valentine?
#2. What?!
#3. if there was a magic trick to keep his head alive, then why not his full body? It would make more sense if he was one of the zombies in "Warm Bodies". And finally,
#4. is zombie hunting that big of a problem? She established her family as zombie hunters. So how often do those outbreaks happen?
I have an answer for all of that, ...look at them tig ol' bitties!!! She's 18 by the way. Barely Legal guys!

She attaches Nick's head to her belt, and carries him around like toy puppy in a purse. We then meet her tutor and Japanese stereotype, Morikawa played by Keone Young. Not shocked. Morikawa Sensei explains that the Universe is divided into three realms: Earth, the Land Beyond Words, and the Rotten World, an infernal realm where demons and zombies reside. Somebody has cracked open a portal between Earth and the Rotten World by a combination of black magic and explosives. Yes, with the book from the movie "The Craft" and a quarter stick of tnt you can buy for 10 bucks around the 4th of July, you too can open the gates of Hell! As your mowing down zombies in stage 2 you notice that, geez this stage is long. Yeah get ready for that. You know what, say what you will about Dynasty Warriors 7, you had bulletpoints and horses. You could beat a stage in 10 minutes. I guess Suda51 was like, fuck that you're having fun killing zombies and eye humping Juliet. You're fine! It was like take "No More Heroes" and jam more retard shit on screen they'll be fine. Morikawa shows up  again going face first into Juliet's boobs. Ha-Ha-Ha...old preverted Japanese men are funny. The three of you find the person responsible for the outbreak, a goth kid named Swan. Cliche' goth kid with a evil focus to takeover the world. Really? The goths I knew just did drugs and didn't give a shit. I think we're confusing goth with emo again. Whatever. Swan summons five demons to the world, which take the form of zombies centered around themes of rock and roll. How long did it take you to think of that? Morikawa attempts to stop Swan but he's killed.

You then fight Zed, the punk zombie. He's easy to beat but he's one of those asshole bosses who have like 3 forms and never dies. Also, he calls her a bitch a lot. Meh. I wish this game went the route of Cannibal Holocost and called her a "twat". Next level your at the school and be prepared for two spots to piss you off. While learning the new move Chainsaw Dash, you face a few obstacles. One is a falling section of the school. Now I may just suck at this but you will die at least 5 times doing that shit! And that's when I found out that the loading time is long. Long for a game thats on fucking PS3! Seriously, the load time in Metal Gear Solid 4 is quicker. Way quicker. It goes "you dead, continue yes-no?" Wait two seconds, as you were. This game? Nope. After 30 seconds of waiting, you go back to your checkpoint. It doesn't sound that bad but it's a pain in the ass. Then the camera. Oh god, the fucking camera! It's 2013! WHY?! While this is going on, Juliet's sister Cordelia and Rosalind Starling are helping you. Cordelia is a badass sniper and Rosalind is a walking ad for what happens to you when you huff spray paint. Cordelia give you a gift called the Chainsaw Buster. And I swear to God, I rage quit twice to this mini-game. Yes, a mini-game. You would too if you played Zombie Baseball. After that you fight Vikke the viking on his flying longship. Someone got paid for this shit! He plays death metal because...ahh, if you watched episodes of Metalocalypse you'll get it. His fight is actually a breeze for anyone. 

The ship crashes into a farm. This stage was made in hell. Long, repetitive, and annoying as fuck. Juliet's youngest sister is all in this stage driving a bus. And you would think with a bus you'll be mowing down zombies. Nope! They saved that for the mini-game. As you play the stage you notice there is a lot of odd shit going down. Almost like you took acid while playing. Well its because of the stage boss Mariska, the Queen of Psychedelia. She's actually a good boss. Maybe my favorite boss fight. After that shit Juliet's father, Gideon shows up looking like a doo-wop singer mixed with Johnny Cash. He takes the couple to the city, more to it, they go to a large 6 floor arcade that doesn't exsist anywhere in America! After making a plan that would make General Patton face palm they bust into the arcade. Inside are zombie gamers, 3 mini-games and you just mashing triangle over and over again. The boss is Josey. Who is a mix of T-Pain, Bootsy Collins, Rick James and Papa Shango. And he is extremely insultingly easy to take out! That's if the camera hasn't fucked you over! At this point I can't help but to point out, I wasn't having fun. In fact it was also when I noticed I had this game on hard and I didn't know it! No bullshit.

Last stage is a unfinshed Cathedral lucky for Juliet her family is teamed up with her to infiltrate the unfinished church. And it doesn't spice up the gameplay or change up the gameplay at all! This stage is irritating, but not as bad as you might think. No, they saved that for the boss, Lewis Legend. Imagine if Steve Martin's charatcer in "Little Shop of Horrors" was a zombie. He's tough to beat but learn his pattern you'll be fine. Here's when you realize(more so the game shows it) upon all of the zombie lords deaths they utter a Latin chant. Stupid dead langauge. Swan does his whole "it was a set up all along" gimmick" and he allowed all the zombie overlords to die so the true zombie lord could be returned to this world. Swan also tells Juliet that it was she, and all the other students at the school, that made him into a monster through torture and bullying. So, this game that pushes teen sex, teens swearing like sailors and devil worship. Also pushed anti-bullying. Who knew.

With everything in place Swan becomes the final aeon, Killabilly. Which is a fat giant Elvis. Got to be honest, when picking up a game with a big boob blonde chick, I didn't see this coming. With the help of ghost of Morikawa you race through this annoying stage/final boss fight. Its not hard but its no bed of roses either. The fight with Killabilly, think of a dumb-down version of fighting Zeus in God of War 2. At the end Juliet's father, drives his motorcycle packed with explosives into the mouth of Killabilly! Badass! Juliet enters into the mouth of Killabilly. Juliet lands in the demon's stomach, where, HIS HEART IS AT! With a Headless Swan tied to it! Two things! HAVE YOU BEEN TO SCIENCE CLASS SUDA51! Second of all who tied him down? As faith would have it, Nick has to control Swan's body to make Killabilly explode into nothing. After a sweet moment of shit, she tearfully does so after expressing her love for Nick. I know its the end of the game but I still think Nick was only there to hit it and quit it. Killabilly explodes, and in a near-death experience Nick learns from Morikawa's ghost that it has been decided Nick's honor grants him new life. Hooray! He get's a new body, but there will be a "mix-up" on the resurrection. He gets Morikawa's body. What!? It doesn't matter Juliet is happy her horn dog of a boyfriend only comes up to her tits. Also, Morikawa had to be like 60, so is Nick as old as the body?
More good news Gideon, Juliet's father, did survive the explosion! Best person in the game and you can't be him. Juliet and family runs off to her birthday party happy. Nevermind the slaughter of zombies and its widows/orphens that came from this. Also the thousands of innocent teenagers and policemen who died! And the descrution of their city. Fuck that, cake time.

You know what, Suda51 skates and no one calls them on his bullshit. The graphics, gameplay and even stories suck in his games but people love them. Fun Factor wins I guess. It pisses me off being a Dynasty Warriors fan to be shitted on. DW has more charaters, better cinematics, more weapons and powers. But the critics roll their eyes. But "No More Heroes" and this game were sucked off by the critics for having less. Okay to be fair not all. IGN, 1UP, GameSpot and a few others said what I said. Outside the comedy, that game isn't that great. But my favorite is this one. Destructoid gave it a 9/10, praising the combat, calling it "intuitive, solid, and made to raise a smile". Ha! ....why are people like you getting paid!

3BlackGeeks Rating-
Dee- C
CJ- B-
Posted on September 6, 2013 .