When Tekken: Blood Vengeance came to The States I was like "meh." I didn't go because either I was stuck with my kids or I had no money. Cj went and had a good time. What did he think about the movie? To be honest I don't remember because Cj was so vauge about it. Reason why?
This movie leaves no impression on you.
No, it really sucks!No,
It really, really, REALLY sucks!
The movie starts off with Nina Williams on her motorcycle crashing into a semi-truck blowing up both vehicles and she lands on the ground like the Major from Ghost In The Shell. No, don't do it, allow me.... BULLSHIT! After that Anna shows up and they have their poorly written dialog back and forth. Cheap 60's spy movie villains don't talk like this! After Nina surviving a onslaught of gunfire, she makes her escape. Anna says they won the day but I don't get it. How? You blew up half of a highway, endangering innocent drivers, unloaded a ton of bullets at her and the bitch lived. Yes, total destruction = victory! Nina goes to her boss at the Mishima Zaibatsu, Jin. Anna goes to her boss Kazuya at G Corparation. They talk about some boy being the key to the devil gene. Anna has the perfect person to infiltrate the school this boy attends but the school is heavily guarded. So they need someone to spy on from the inside. Xiayou! Strike One! If blowing up I-66 is nothing to you, then why the fuck would you not extract the boy out of the school?! There's no need for a spy! If its information you need, that's stupid. If you know he has the devil gene then why the fuck not just go snatch him right then??
Anyway, cut to Xiayou riding Panda to school. No. Stop! I like using Xiayou, but any Tekken fan now knows the tone of the movie. Hearts, unicorns and farts! You see Xiayou is a good fighter but her stories always have some cliche anime bullshit. I dunno but it pisses me off. Xiayou racing to class and not to fight a student, but because of lazy ass writing. You've seen this shit in Sailor Moon, Lucky Star, Project Ako, Neon Genesis, Tenchi Muyo, Soul Taker...... I could go on and on! Strike two movie!
Ganryu tells Xaiyou to go to the principals office. Ganryu's a PE teacher. Yup. Ganryu, the great and proud sumo wrestler is PE teacher at a private school owned by the Mishimas. Yeah. Well because Xiayou and her fucking Panda destroyed school property and she has bad grades, they are expelling her from school. When she asks the principal she finds out its Anna. What shocks me is that Ganryu isn't phased by Anna throwing a knife at Xiayou's head. Nor the fact Anna threw it as fast as Greg Maddox while sitting in a rolling chair. This school is owned by the Mishima Zaibatsu and Anna is there, a person who works for Kazuya. You mean to tell me...moving on.
Xiayou is forced to go to the other school to find the boy with the devil gene, Shin. Emo much?? How emo you ask? You'll find out. Just then-Anime cliche', stereotype, thing Alisa runs into her. Alisa is everything I hate about female characters in anime. To give Xiayou credit, she is horribly written in this movie and some Tekken games but most of her focus is on her fighting and connecting to Jin. Alisa is there to fuck you in the eyes with her J-Poppiness! Anyway she runs off and Xiayou is confused by her outfit. Not that confusing, its a slutty Moei costume on a girl who is clearly in high school. We meet Xiayou's teacher, Lee. And I swear to God this movie pounds in the already unfunny line "Ohhh, Excellent!". Lee is mostly useless but what about this Shin fellow? Where is he? Why, jumping off the roof of the school no less!! Lucky Xiayou catches him but Shin gets up and walks it off.
Alisa finally talks to Xiayou about Shin. Apparently he's been trying to kill himself before but fails. Really? So death by impact doesn't work. Two easy ways buddy, Gun fired inside mouth and butcher knife to the throat. This movie's purposed is served in posing the question:
Who cares about the un-killable emo douchebag?
Well it seems that Alisa, the robot, has a crush on Shin. We spend a solid 7 to 15 minutes of screen time dedicated to these chicks trying to get Shin to like them. All of which I know has major bearing on the story. Who will Shin like and want to "go steady" with? Who knew in a Tekken movie called BLOOD VENGEANCE, love would blossom. Alisa decides to take part in a school festival then somehow Shin will notice her, and she and Shin will be boyfriend and girlfriend.In love FOREVER!!! I love this plan!!! But where have I heard this before? Oh yeah. Ranma 1/2, Tenchi Muyo, Inuyasha, Peach Girl, School Rumble and about every fucking anime that takes place in or around a fucking High School! Strike Three movie!
You know what I miss right now? The sub par acting in the Tekken- Live Action Movie. At least I saw some cool fights in it! No, no, no I'm sorry. Rosie the fucking robot wants to suck off a high school emo douche bag! Yeah, I always wanted Val Com and Aqua Com's daughter to find love. ...it's a Heartbeeps reference and yes it's before my time! So Shin enters a popularity contest and is all over the school broadcasting why he should win. And watching this makes me wish I was watching the two part filler episode of Inuyasha when Kagome was in the school play. Anyway, Shin is attacked on screen. Xiayou and Alisa race to the AV room to find no one. Xiayou mentions it could have been a random note. Alisa clicks on and her protocall tells her to kill off Xiayou. So she lays the Sweet Chin Music to Xiayou, sending her out of a window to a 30 foot drop. Of course she's okay. Spike Spigel in Cowboy Bebop was a bitch when he got drop kicked out of a window. Just gonna say with the Armored Thugs kidnapping Shin, it instantly made Xiayou and Alisa's story pointless. It's not like they learned anything new or special. It was all so the girls can hammer out cutie kawaii half baked anime writing. Oh, and the people who took him. Never explained who it was. Thank you movie.
So Xiayou calls out Alisa and the two fight. Yes its nice and all but I'd rather it be some other Tekken characters that they could have shoehorned into this movie. Like Steve Fox, the G Corparation Marine or Bryan Fury the Gardener. Also, Alisa's peripherals, like the rocket boosters in her knees, feet and back; exploting head; and chainsaws look structurally impossible. Just saying its hard to convey video game logic when its on the silver screen. Then boom, Anna and the goon squad roll up. Alisa fights them without the chainsaws and loses. But Panda rushes in and saves the girls!! Clocking a top speed of at least 200 mph! Seriously, a Honda lawn mower runs faster than a real life Panda! The girls and Panda hide in the woods until Lee jogs by and sees them. Excellent! Lee takes the girls to his 80 bedroom house! The fuck, why are you a teacher?! The girls bond and we find out Alisa is a T-800 with a learning computer inside of her. But then Alisa goes from taking interesting science fiction to cliche love anime writing. "Love is something she can learn and true love makes someone human." Alisa you're a robot. You have no soul.
Later that night Anna and the BAM Squad attack the girls AGAIN. But the girls ain't there. Nina shows up and runs in.with her ED209's They fight but we dont see it. To be honest, GOOD! The girls find Shin hiding inside Kyoto Castle. Yeah, a teenager is hiding in a goverement landmark and no security guard sees it. Sure. The girls find out that Shin is a multi-gene life form and as he says, "he has a body that refuses to die". Really? You vs. A Mini-Gun. You vs. A Steamroller. You vs. A thunder bolt from Pikachu = DEAD. Then busting down the right wall was Jin Kazama! And busting down the left wall was Kazuya Mishima! Then, hiding on the alter was Heihachi Mishima! Okay,first, 3 points for the planned entrances of the three men. Secondly this is what the movie should have been. The Mishimas are ready to rumble. No, we got shit so girly, Hello Kitty is now as manly as Ninja Scroll. Shin decides to say "F you guys" and rips off his shirt like Goku. He attacks Heihachi but he throws this nigga into the Torture Rack. He's said he made Shin and all the hype around the boy as a plan to lure out Kazuya and Jin. Uhhh...why? That makes no sense seeing how Xiayou is the same age as...screw it. Heihachi then out right hits the Muscle Buster on Shin. So Shin is...uh...dead, guess you can die Shin. Damn, Kid Muscle could have killed this guy. I love how Xiayou hits the "nnnnnnoooooo" over that piece of emo trash. All in front of Jin, you know the billionaire who is a badass and a guy she's wanted to bang since Tekken 3.
The guys finally fight and thank you God. Someone must have tapped on Harada's shoulder and told him this was a fighting game movie. This is one of the best fights in anime history. No bullshit, I rank it in the top 20. Pro-Wrestling moves, air juggles, the destruction of the room and the best part, Jin machine gun punching the fuck out of Heihachi throught a fucking wall! All while still feeling and looking like the game. Fucking awesome........WHY DOESNT THE REST OF MOVIE LOOK LIKE THIS??! But then reality kicks in. Kazuya goes in Devil. Alisa tries to stop him but Jin shuts down Alisa and Kazuya breaks her in half by stepping on her. This does leave Jin enough time to go into Devil form. Personally, this scene shits in my cereal. I just got done watching the reason I love Tekken ruined. The Devil fight scene is confusing and hard to follow. It hurts my eyes and dick! Whatever, Kazuya runs off a loser. That's all.
Meanwhile, Anna and Nina are still alive and Lee approves of his house being destoryed by the two. Excell-WHO GIVES A SHIT?!!?!! Heihachi has found Pandora's box from God of War and becomes a giant Mokujin. You didn't read that wrong either. This movie is on crack. He tries to step on Xiayou who was carrying Alisa's body. Then Panda saves them by shielding the girls from Heihachi steeping on them. That's right! A 400 pound Panda stops a foot the size of a Winnebago from crushing them. But no, it was the Mokujin stopping him because the girls have/know love. Don't ask logical questions. Jin tries to fight him and I can't tell you if he's winning. The whole sequence is vomit inducing. So Alisa fires off her rocket punch move and actually lays out the giant Mokujin. That's like me throwing a rock at Optimus Prime and it takes off his head. While Jin uses his third eye lazer thingy and kills the Mokujin. The day is saved. And after some odd dialog the movie is over. Yup. Over. After the credits we see a rebuilt Alisa and Xiayou talking. They talk about entering the King of Iron Fist Tournament. Finally, a mention of that after the fucking credits run!
The Tekken live action movie wasn't the cool Mortal Kombat movie nor was it the "so bad it was good" Street Fighter movie. But guess what, it wasn't this! You dedicate this whole movie to two sub charatcers in Tekken. No major time for our favorites like Paul, Hwoarang, Jun, Law, Lei, Asuka, Lili, Eddy, or Bryan. Nope! 10 minutes total screen time of the guys we love, the Mishima's. But we got Xiayou who became a secondary character in her own movie; an annoying android, the ageless MILFs and a triple filtered, double watered down Lee. And you want to know the real sad part?? The animation is unbelievably gorgeous. You wasted all those animators time. Minutes shaved off their lives because Harada wanted to make shit!
Fuck this film!