Ah yes, Tables, Ladders and Chairs. Once again another ad with David Otunga and he's not booked that night. Its good to be Jennifer Hudson's wife. Yeah I said it, wife. We seen a few twist and turns during this build up. Like CM Punk getting spiked thru a table and got hurt. Don't blame Ryback or Vince or Cena. Punk got hurt weeks before that. Something was bound to pop, break or tear. Look at it this way fellow smarks, Punk is still champ. That means his reign as champion is as long as his reign in Ring of Honor. A real wrestling company. Bad news Big Show is still champion, wait how is that bad? Oh yeah, the smarks hate it. Why couldn't this match be Ricky Steamboat vs. Shawn Michaels? Okay decent bad news. John Cena is in a match for Dolph's MITB briefcase. Bad news because weeks into this PPV, Tyler Reks mentioned that Cena was a dick. Finally someone blew the horn on that PG wanting, fat girl hugging, cancer kid kissing, two 5 star match having wannabe wrestler! Now that Ryback treated Punk like a stepchild who will replace him? Combination! Team Hell No and Ryback vs. The Shield! There is a wrestling God, not JBL but Lou Thesz. He saw the awesome matches in Evolve with Jon Moxley! He saw Ring of Honor shine with Tyler Black! What about Roman Reigns. ...uh...who?
Youtube Preshow Match-
Santa’s Little Helpers Match: Alicia Fox, Aksana, Naomi, Cameron, Tamina Snuka, Kaitlyn, Layla, Natalya, Rosa Mendes
To even begin telling about this match is a waste of my time and God's. This match is nothing more than WWE shoving the girls in sexy Santa gear and have them yell and barely wrestle. Why didn't Tamina and Nattie just toss all these bitches out the ring. Whatever. At least the black girl won and it wasn't Cameron or Alicia.
The 2012 WWE TLC PPV opens up with Lilian Garcia. They sound the bell 26 times for the victims in the Sandy Hook Elementary school tragedy. Which I totally agree with. Now get my mind of this with 200 pound men beating the ever-loving shit out of each other. What wrestling is mainly escapist fun. Let me mock it a bit.
Tables Match for the #1 Contendership:
Rey Mysterio and Sin Cara
Damien Sandow and Cody Rhodes
Its always great to see Tornado Tag matches in WWE. This one was very standard. Nothing super great but mildly enjoyable. Cody's mustache...what do you want me to say about it? Its ridiculous. I wanna know who gave Cody the go ahead to put that on TV. Anyway the match was cool I guess.
WWE United States title Match:
R-Truth vs. Antonio Cesaro
Man, this again. I guess so, this feud makes as much sense as ketchup on white rice. Its not bad but why would you do that. Nothing special. I love Cesaro but a boring match.
On MizTV we got 3MB! Woohoo. I like how Miz only has comebacks that were made in the 90's to throw at people. Look, I'm just glad Miz isn't wrestling, even more so that he's a face. Boooo! I want asshole heel and marginally decent wrestler Miz! Not asshole face and marginally decent wrestler Miz! Anyway 3MB mock the Spanish Announce team for not speaking English. Coming from Scrooge McDuck's son and the extra from Slum Dog Millionaire. Anyway they somehow jack up Ricardo and Del Rio shows up for the save and so does Miz. Yep! A Del Rio face turn. Anyway this fight will continue later, Miz and Del Rio need to find a partner. The crowd chants "We want Ryder". Ha! Vince never listens to you people!
WWE Intercontinental Title Match:
Wade Barrett vs. Kofi Kingston
Not gonna bullshit you people, I saw only a bit of this. My sexy wife showed up from chruch, but I did catch the finish! So let me bullshit this one. I think every time Wade says the words "Barrett Barrage" a chick in East London cums alittle. Kofi has been on a bit of a tear with this belt and I'm surprised this feud isn't on fire. I blame the Internet for just hoping Wade will be champ and not cheer for this man at live shows. Anyway great counter at the end Kofi.
CM Punk and Paul Heyman up in their own skybox. ...do I need to go on? It was magical for me and the smarks. Let us wack off a bit.
Kane, Daniel Bryan and Ryback
Seth Rollins, Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose
First off, way to put big faith into your boy Ryback, Vince! Now honestly I'm not mad at that booking order, I was just ready for this being one of the last two.
Listen, as of writing this, it's been 4 hours. So this is no bullshit. This match...this match is now one of my personal favorites. Instant classic. First off, Daniel Bryan's pop was insane. The entrance The Shield did was some ol' attitude era shit. Dean Ambrose + Steel Chair, fucking dynamite! Ryback destroying Roman Reigns! Daniel putting over Rollins and Ambrose while still kicking ass! Kane getting buried by ring junk! Daniel Bryan eating a fucking double superplex! Ryback spiking the fuck out of Rollins and Ambrose. Rollins through two tables and gaining what I'm sure was a concussion! And the Shield won. Ryback looked good, Team Hell No when down fighting and Dean Ambrose showed us why he was the greatest wrestler to ever leave CZW! The match felt brutal, it felt real, that's what these TLC matches are all about.
Grade A+ (not a 5 star match)
WWE Divas Title Match:
Naomi vs. Eve Torres
Way to pull the drag shoot WWE! Jesus. Naomi isn't ready for main roster wrestling. Yes she's Vince's black chocolate fantasy, but she sucks. When you make Eve look like the experienced wrestler you got problems. I see potential, but go back to Florida sweetheart.
Chairs Match for the World Heavyweight Title:
Sheamus vs. Big Show
A weak match for me. Can't say it was as bad as some are calling it. It felt like both guys were playing it safe. It felt slow and when shit did happen it was either mildly cool or worth a short hand clap. But then again I was not really into. Its not to say there wasn't any good spots because there were. I do love that move White Noise, into a chair no less. But what truly saved this match was the gimmick ass chair. Seriously, who drove down to Spencer's Gifts in downtown Manhattan and brought that thing? So ridiculous it was awesome!
Heath Slater, Jinder Mahal and Drew McIntyre
Alberto Del Rio, The Miz and Brooklyn Brawler
Ah yes, this goose shit. Well I have to say, it was a wrestler from Brooklyn and it wasn't JTG. You saw what I just did there folks? Its called a silver lining! Brooklyn Brawler in a Brooklyn Nets jersey. I got to say, I want Ryder but fuck that. I love this guy. Yes, I'm one of those guys who want him in the Hall of Fame. Fuck you, he's the jobbers jobber. Oh yeah the match...uh...uh...
Ladder Match for Dolph Ziggler’s Money in the Bank Briefcase:
John Cena vs. Dolph Ziggler
This is what I get for being an asshole. This storyline while it is painful it did leave itself open for several twist and turns. No! No! The smark in me won't admit that. Why couldn't this match be Dolph Ziggler vs. Rick Rude? A true match of wrestling technique. I know Rude was dead when Ziggler was in High School, no excuse! I'm convinced Snuka died in 94 and Vince keeps throwing this nigga into the Lazarus Pit! Anyway the crowd despite being assholes to Cena was really into this match. I like how when the crowd chants "You can't wrestle" and Cena forcefully goes into floor wrestling mode and show technique the crowd still boo's. As a smark I respect the effort but no Mr. Cena. We all know Shawn Michaels, Rick Martel, Ric Flair, Verne Garge and Kurt Angle were the only true wrestlers ever-ever. This match had some decent back and forth. This match also reminded us of Chekhov's gun with the tables in matches like these. Dolph not selling moves which is out of the ordinary for him and Cena not selling moves...so a normal night for him. Enough of that, the spots were on point. Vicki shows up, then Aj with the save. I would make a joke about Vicki's selling but whats the point. Then when it all seems to be going Cena's way, Aj pushed Cena off the ladder. All I heard in my mind was "It's me Cena! It was me all along Cena!" You got to be a wrestling fan for that one. Dolph wins via Ryu donkey kick to Cena's chin then climbs that ladder and grabs what is his. To my follow Smarks at this point in Cena's career he's basically harmless. He's putting over guys more then even now. Yes, he will be a main event guy but whatever. Aj skips off happy, I got say two of these endings Aj? If I wasn't sober maybe I wouldn't see that this will be your thing for the next 2 to 3 years of your career. I like Aj, but its the cute girlish shit she does. She's one big swirl lollipop away from me thinking that she sells her used underwear on eBay to Japanese business men.Who cares, Cena lost! Viva no Cena!
This night was...wow. I loved it. Yes, there was some fucked up matches but this is what WWE knows their good at. Gimmick matches and if the right people are in them let it show. With all the marks wanting the attitude era to return, sorry its not, but the TLC two years in a row have been great. Wait, Aj doesn't have big boobs, sorry. I forgot, that's what matters in wrestling.