Welcome to October where I'm forced to watch horror movies . ...who-rah... . Slashers, Ghost stories, survival and death everywhere. I'm sorry I'm not a fan. I just never was. I think I didn't totally prepare myself for this month because the titles I picked are first on many peoples list. So why not start with my favorite horror movie? The Thing!
I was so late to this movie. Last year was the first time I saw this movie. A movie that is as old as me. Older than me, hell I watched my dad watch this movie 3 times before I ever viewed it myself. Anyway I had no idea how much this movie would inspire me. It's become my favorite alien horror movie. Seeing that John Carpenter was the director and it was the 80's I knew I was in good hands. That being said, I will make jokes about this movie. It's very easy too, because like with all of these Alien horror movies it takes a level of disbelief. In-between that disbelief is usually comedy gold. Hell why not.
The story starts off in Alaska before Al Gore told us it would be melting. A Norwegian helicopter hunting an Alaskan Malamute. A snow dog for you high school stoners! The chopper lands at an American Antarctic research station. Inside we see our cast. One included is our star "trying to get shitfaced" R.J. MacReady played by Kurt Russell. He's playing "Chessmaster" on a small computer that I'm sure the Commodore Vic-20 sure beat the shit out of it. Quick side note, Adrienne Barbeau is the voice of the computer. Its a rule in Hollywood, if your sleeping with the director, your in the movie in someway. Anyway the chopper lands as the Americans go to see what the fuck is going on. Then boom goes the helicopter. A Norwegian rifleman keeps firing at the dog and grazes a solider named Bennings. The station commander Garry kills the guy. So MacReady and Dr. Copper fly to the Norwegian camp for answers damn it. When they get there the base is burned to rubble. They also find a man who committed suicide on a large block of ice with a hollowed cavity inside of him. Either that dog was hungry or this is fucking "Basket Case 2". Outside the camp, they also see the remains of a mangled humanoid corpse with two faces. So they bring the corpse back for an autopsy. Gotta say that took balls, I'd say away from that thing. When they bring it to Dr. Blair(Wilford Brimley) he can only tell them that it has a normal set of internal organs. Which means its human...or something...?
So they cage the Malamute from earlier with the rest of the sled dogs. And this is gonna set the tone for the rest of the movie. The Malamute morphs into some weird alien "thing" and attacks the other dogs. MacReady hears the fight and hits the fire alarm, when he sees this "thing". He calls for calling for a flamethrower and Childs(Keith David) questions it because what the hell are they doing with a flamethrower in Alaska? (To steal a joke from The Spoony Experiment) Why do they need flamethrower on a research outpost? Who's coming, zee Germans? Anyway they incinerates the creature. When Blair's autopsy reveals that the creature can imitate other beings, he suspects that anyone could be replaced. That's more then just a theory, how did he come to that conclusion? Doesn't matter because Blair begins withdrawing from the others. During this time they investigate the Norwegians' records. Their lead to a massive crater containing a flying saucer.
There's a hole in the ice they suspect the creature came from. Now I get it's alien but how did that "thing" control a ship? Maybe there's a body inside. Well anyway, Blair says the alien can assimilate Earth within three years if it reaches civilization. I think he pulled that out of his ass but whatever. Fuchs tells MacReady that the creature's remains are still active on a cellular level, according to Blair's journal. Bennings is then attacked by the creature's remains, and he morphs. He runs outside and then burned. New question! How much fuel for those flamethrowers do they have. For scientist on a research outpost. Who are they setting on fire? Zee Germans? I will stop bitching. In most sci-fi horrors theirs never enough weapons or bullets so carry on. After that shit they incinerate the rest of the remains too. I'd piss on them for good measure. It's at this time the paranoia kicks in. At this point anyone could be the "thing". Blair, who was absent until he is seen running from the wrecked helicopter. Haha, Wilford Brimley doing a 30 yard dash is hilarious to me. Blair has killed the sled dogs and is destroying the radio when the team corners him and locks him in the tool shed. Hahaha, okay am I the only one who finds that hilarious? I mean how is he gonna check his blood sugar? That's not a joke either. Also kill him! He's been infected with the "thing". If the alien can hide that means he gains knowledge, so destroying radio sounds like he's hiding. MacReady is determined to find out who is infected. They discover the blood stores are sabotaged before they can do the blood tests. Shit somebody doesn't wanna be caught.
It's at this point everyone is turning on each other. Childs and MacReady are even having a power struggle. I'm just saying I know Kurt Russell is a bad ass but Keith David was the Witch Doctor in The Frog Princess, he wins. MacReady orders Fuchs to continue Blair's work, but he disappears when the power goes out. Don't worry it gets more spooky too. A storm is coming, MacReady, Windows, and Nauls search outside and find Fuchs. But fuck, Fuchs' body was burned. Nauls not taking any chances cuts MacReady loose from the tow line on the way back, because he thinks MacReady has been assimilated. This is because he sees a torn shirt with MacReady's name on it. Don't know why that would alarm him but whatever. As the team debates about what happened to MacReady, he busts up in the motherfucker. Come on guys that fucking Snake Plisken, you should have seen that coming. MacReady then threatens to dynamite the station if they attack him. Just then, Norris suffers a heart attack. When Copper attempts to revive Norris, his chest gapes and closes like a giant mouth and bites off Copper's arms and dies. Too funny for words, ha!
MacReady orders everyone to do a new test. Clark pissed for whatever reason tries to stab MacReady, but MacReady shoots and kills him. Like a boss. I love how the Artic Marine MacReady explains science. His theory is that every piece of the alien is an organism with its own survival instinct. This will make the alien react defensively when threatened. So his project which is one of the most famous and tense scenes in sci-fi. Everyone gives blood and place it in a petri dish. MacReady takes a hot piece of wire to it. The theory is if it's the alien blood it will react. So one by one he tests everyone's blood, and they are all human except Palmer! THE BLOOD JUMPS! I nearly...no I did shit my pants! Best Jump Scare Ever! Palmer then begins to change and attacks Windows, forcing MacReady to burn them both. This leaves Childs' on guard and the others to head out to test Blair. Spoiler, he's the fucking alien too!!! Only to find that he has tunneled under the tool shed. Okay I wanna see that. I wanna see Wilford Brimley building a tunnel.
They realize that Blair is an alien (You don't say!) Who has scavenged the equipment he appeared to destroy in order to build a small escape craft. A space craft out of helicopter parts, radios and aluminum siding. What does this shit run on? Moonshine or Brandy? I would love to see Wilford Brimley invade in this thing! They see someone run outside just before the camp loses power, and MacReady speculates that the alien intends to freeze itself until a rescue team arrives in the spring. They decide to dynamite the complex hoping to destroy the alien. Granted they know this will doom them but they make the noble choice. But as this happens Garry is killed and Nauls disappears as they finish setting the explosives underground. Blair transforms into a larger monster and attacks, but MacReady dynamites the monster and the base explodes as he escapes. Barely alive walking through the burning ruins with a bottle of scotch, MacReady finds Childs. Childs says he claims he got lost in the storm while looking for Blair. Exhausted and with virtually no hope of survival, they sharing the bottle as the camp burns. With the looming mystery that one of them maybe The Thing! The End.
I love this movie. I made fun of some parts but really how can you dislike this movie. The critics weren't in love with this movie but my fans were. It became a cult classic, spawning a video game which sucked and a prequel which I heard sucked more. But fuck them, there's a silliness to this movie but its get down right creepy and you have to love it. Also it's a who did it. Come on, you folks liked "Clue". Anyway, I have more in store for this month. Including a killer doll, some kids from Jersey getting killed, a video game, a ghost in a picture and Danny Glover fucking. I wasn't lying about that last part.