Las Vegas Blood Bath

... is this even horror? 
Well, it's a slasher so, I'd say yeah.

IMDB says it is so...I guess so. You know I've watched a few "Shot on Video" movies, all bad but this one is the Godfather of really bad Video Store black hole movies. All these movies have one driving force, to piss off the viewers with anything. Plot, effects, music, cinematography, or hell the cast. Ha! This movie covered its bases and did all of those. Las Vegas Blood Bath is a legend. It's a rip off of a better looking Shot on Video movie called "Truth or Dare- A Critical Madness". Same plot, same fucking motivation. 

I will say, it was nice that Nicholas Cage did this picture. What? That's not him? I think I know what Castor Troy looks like. In any case Jewish Nick Cage is talking to a friend or co-worker on the phone while fighting with the phone cord. You gotta love the brick sized phone he's talking on. Fuck those cellphones giving you cancer, this thing could impregnate you. He's happy his job is going well and life is good. His wife is a classic late 80's mullet mess having an affair with Boomhauer. Seriously it's him, all down to the speedos. By the way, we see him strip down to them. No jump cutting, every single second with him unbuttoning. Watching those two fuck makes me wanna get a tetanus shot. I'm sure I got something from that! Well like clock work...or in this case shitty writing Nick Cage shows up and pads the scene looking around the house. Finally after going into every room but his, he goes into his room to see Boomhauer's asshole. I am dead serious too, why? BECAUSE WE SEE IT TOO! Lucky for him Boomhauer is a Las Vegas Sheriff, so Nick takes his gun and shoots him. Shoots him with a sound effect. I know this is "Shot on Video" but my middle school knew how to make a flash bang effect! Or at least don't show the barrel of the gun when firing. Whatever.

As Nick Cage is ranting to himself or horribly acting, I dunno. We get to see Las Vegas! Then it hits you, this will be all of the Las Vegas you will see. Seriously if it wasn't for him passing a casino or two, you'd think this movie was shot in Galveston, Texas. Oh yeah, the soundtrack. I got to give the movie some credit, they got someone to fuck about on a Casio for six minutes.  Anyway he picks up a decent looking street hooker, which is 80's hot so he broke even. She hops in the car with him while he looks like he's gotta drop a deuce, or stab her repeatedly. It's funny watching this madman yelling at her for being a "Daytime Whore". And since then this is a word I use to describe females who look like trash but swear they're dressing up like Rihanna or Nicki Minaj.

Now after that..."Epic" line reading, this scene is padded out by the hooker giving him directions. And they drive for several blocks and we see...every...single...turn. So after they hop out the car, Nick ties her to a building and then whips out his wife's head. Long redneck mullet and all! After yelling some more dumb shit, he ties her leg to his car. And like pulling a stick off a tree he rips her leg off as he drives off. Silly I know but this is a silly-dumb-retarded-copycat mess of a movie! What's more of a mess is he's talking to the head now. Of course you've got to complete the crazy. But now comes my favorite part of this movie. He walks into a bar with the head in hand, asks the barkeeper for a drink and shows him his wife's head. Then he shoots the barkeeper in the head and leaves. The fuck was the point of that scene?! Even more pointless is a scene where Nick is talking to himself and some random kids knock on his window asking him a question. People who reviewed this movie before me had a few ideas on this. It was suppose to be funny; to show that star has some type of focus after killing an innocent barkeep; or this kid really did show the fuck up outta nowhere!

Next is one of the most famous parts of the movie. Lucky for us it lasts 30 whole minutes. It cuts to a girl's baby shower. To explain this scene is madness for me because how do I describe a scene with nothing but throw away dialog? Well the pregnant girl is having a good time she goes to...I dunno pee. And her friends just call her a whore. I need to mention that one of these girls is clearly doing a very good Paula Abdul. Because every time she talks, one side of my body goes numb! Oh yeah the girls names. Wet and Wild Wendy, Tuff Tiff, Cherry Blossom, and Bambi. I would make a stripper joke but that would make people watch this movie. Seriously, this scene is nothing but a home movie. Thank God it cuts to Nick Cage outside looking at them. Then again it turns to night. So he's been outside that fucking long? So after preggo gets her gifts, they play truth or dare poker.

AAHHHH, NEXT!!!!!!!! 

Then they put up the cards and watch TV. With them on it! Oil wrestling! This isn't even sexy, especially when "Truck Driver Tina" is wrestling. She's the one with the pale white ass and mullet. Whoa, easy there penis, if you get softer I might consider going to sleep. The production value gets even lower when watching the Oil Wrestling. I've seen 26 year old Georgia Pro Wrestling VHS tapes on Youtube that look like Blu-Ray compared to this. After its over, one of the ladies said she was glad it went national. Aha, I think that's what every no talent rapper says when he uploads a song onto Myspace.  So they order a pizza and we watch them eat it. Okay enough of this shit, where the fuck is Cameron Poe at?! They get a knock at the door and THANK YOU JESUS! H.I. McDunnough shows up with a revolver in hand ready to plug a few bitches.

Then I realize this isn't Nick Cage. The guy has the "Rage Of The Cage" all wrong. 

Anyway, he ties up the girls or more like wraps them in a rope once and takes the pregnant girl.
Seeing how this a slasher he cuts the fetus out of her. Yummy. I can make fun of this because this movie has lowered my standards. Gotta say at least the deaths get more creative. Because the next girl gets a drill to the frontal lobe. And it looks like a trick a kid would do to scare his 7 year old friends. Hell, he even slams a hammer into a girl's stomach. Also the girl who sells this is like a mom trying to sleep and her 4 year old is trying to awake her up. Then we get a scene were he comically kills a Jehovah's Witness. And the crazy shit he says is that his wife use to be one. I gotta say this Nick Cage is doing Nick Cage wrong. Then we get the famous scene were his name is dubbed into the scene. I laugh because they say his name is "Sammy", but its Nick Cage to me. Well at least Nick is trying to rape the hot one of the group I give him that.

Just then some guy runs in and tries to stop him. The guy swings a bat at a mattress that's suppose to be out of the shot and unties the girl. Then Nick kills him but we don't see the knife kill the other guy. How in a movie with barley a budget have people not showing up on set at the same time! But the scene redeems itself by Nick ripping the girls arm off! Terry Crews couldn't do that to a 6 year old! So how can he do it? He then shots the other girl with a magic bullet again! This movie is actually making me happy somehow.

Oddly enough, of all the dumb shit that went down in this movie and unbelievable deaths it does lead up to a fun kill. A policeman I guess from the Vice unit or Chippendale's shows up. He walks up stairs and see Nick Cage in a bath of body parts. Give the film 5 points for a literal title. It looks like his arms or up in the air but sike! He takes his arm out the bath and shot the cop. Now time to take away points! So he ripped the sleeves off his shirt and put them on the other guy. Also cutting of the guys arms? Then he had to know a cop was coming...ahhhh. who cares! He fired the gun and we didn't see the barrel! We did it! We pulled off a convincing gun effect! Then we get a song about "Sammy being dirty". I don't care, the movie's over!

This movie is shit. Despite the very fun riff-ability of this movie it plain sucks. You could make a drinking game out of it or some shit but its really un-watchable. But most shot on video movies are. So I guess it went par for the coarse.

3BlackGeeks Rating-
Dee- Does it even deserves a grade?
Posted on October 25, 2012 .