And we have come to the end of Horror Month on the 3BlackGeeks blog. Thank you sweet Muhammad and Jesus eating a chicken sandwich. That's not sacrilegious, I said a chicken not pig. Sorry for Beloved so let me end this month correct!
Every now and then you get a movie that sneaks up on you. Where you went into it giving it a boundary. Like "I know you gonna suck but just give me this and this, deal?" Not only did this movie blindside me, it had the nerve to be one of the best movies I saw that year. Sam Raimi (Everytime his name is mentioned, an Evil Dead fan cums a little) was just finishing being cursed out by Spider-Man fanboys. Not me, I'm a Spider-Man fanboy, I blame us! After that fuck up he got back to basics. Making horror! But what turned everyone off, me included was PG-13! PG-13 horror movies most always suck today. I mean rated-R horror suck to but at least they show tits and say fuck. But I gave it a chance...God this is actually good.
We start this movie off in Pasadena in 69. Somewhere George Jung is selling coke to a gay Pee-Wee Herman. If you don't get that reference it's from "Blow" and I pity you for not watching it. A couple seeks the aid of the medium Shaun San Dena. It seems there son claims to see monsters. Though they tried to return an item the boy stole from gypsies. Gypsies, their the Mexican's of the European world! San Dena carries out a seance, but they are attacked by an unseen force that pulls the boy into Hell. The medium swears to one day encounter the force again. And do what, throw a rock at it? He dragged a kid to hell and you were helpless. So skip ahead 40 years, now were in LA. Alison Lohman plays Christine a bank loan officer. She hopes to be promoted to assistant manager over her co-worker Stu. Her boss tells her to demonstrate that she can make tough decisions to get a promotion. In English "Fuck someone over! Destroy the weak! Tell a black family with good credit to fuck off! Tell a old husband and wife that trip to Hawaii is out of the question! Hail Satan! Mark of the Beast Baby! Wooooooo!"
Christine is visited by an elderly woman name Sylvia Ganush. Who is asking for an extension on her mortgage payment. But because Christine was told to be a prick, she denies Ganush. Ganush begs Christine not to repossess her house and kneels in front of her. Awww, help her. But then Grandma Gypsie gets all forceful and "until you do right by me" on Christine. ...Goddamn it we have mostly white fans. That was a "Color Purple" reference. This scares Christine because Gypies in American English means "Oooga-Booga!" Also Christine is a white lady, that's not racist, it true! Finally bank security takes Ganush away. Her boss compliments Christine on how she handled the situation after the woman gives Christine a threat. "You did good, your kicking a old bat on her ass. Now lie to a Gay couple about a joint loan. God it's good to be Aglo-Saxon! Snnnooorrrttt!"
Christine after goes into the parking garage, and it's at this point the movie starts giving me a BJ. Ganush attacks Christine in her car. Ganush actually fucks this chick up too. Real quick question, how did she get in her car? Wait how did she know it was Christine's car? Who cares because Christine goes ECW on Ganush. But Ganush bite the fuck out of Christine. This whole...fight scene, is making me piss myself. Finally Ganush, rips a button off Christine's coat and uses it to place a curse on her. After that comedy, we get OH FUCK ME! Justin Long! Ever wondered how Steve Guttenberg became a star? The same can be said about Justin Long! Anyway Justin named Clay comforts Christine when she's having trouble after that attack. And since its Justin Long is there to say she's "overreacting, she stressed, or she needs to relax". God I fucking hate him. You play the same boyfriend in 5 different movies! So instead going to church or something they go to a fortune teller Rham Jas. And Justin Long is being a fucking skeptic asshole as always. But that role is needed in this movie so bravo. Rhammy tells Christine that she is being haunted by a spirit. Damn, that was deep. Now answer this, Ronald Reagan, John Wayne and Sheriff Bart. ...that was a Carson bit people, I get old school sometimes.
At her home, Christine is freaked out when she starts hearing a monster in her home. This leads to a very tense scene of her hiding from this beast. But it attacks her anyway. Best part is when the invisible monster Kevin Nash Big Boot her ass across the room. Then to make it worse she's having nightmares about Ganush. With this stress she loses the job at work to Stu. Christine snaps at Stu and then we get comedy when she has a projectile nosebleed. This soaks her boss in blood and maybe snot. This movie is getting wacky, lets get serious. Christine then goes to talk to Ganush at her granddaughter's home. Seeing that she kicked her out of her home. But we find that Ganush died the previous night and a memorial service is being held. Damn, well your boned. Christine returns to Rhammy Jammy, don't worry, his name ain't important. He tells her that as long as Christine is the owner of an accursed object, she will be haunted by a powerful demon called the Lamia that will torment her for three days before taking her to Hell. That demon is an asshole if you ask me. So like most things in life you gotta sacrifice to appease the thing. You know appeasing a boss, a wife, a hooker...
The next day, the Lamia is back and he fucks up Christine in her bedroom. Well gotta please this thing somehow so why not kill your kitten? But doing so leaves her heart-broken. Next is a dinner party scene with Clay and his parents. Now writes itself really. She's tormented, Justin Long is being a dick but in a twist the use of illusions frightens the parents. Christine returns to Rhammy Ja Hut for further help. He says that Shaun San Dena will risk her life to stop the demon for a fee of $10,000. Clay says fuck you and I agree with him. Seriously, this movie made me agree with Justin Long. But the fucking monster keeps attacking Christine and it's at this point I feel bad for her. The first 3 beatdown's to a white woman is funny but now it's getting fucked up. So Clay ponies up and San Dena prepares a seance to trap the Lamia's spirit in a goat and kill it to vanquish the spirit. Sounds messy but makes sense. San Dena allows the Lamia to inhabit her body, wait just kill her! Rham Jas tries to persuade it not to steal Christine's soul, but it refuses and vows never to stop until Christine dies. And in a somewhat easy yet confusing mess, Christine places San Dena's hand on the goat, causing the spirit to enter its body. San Dena's assistant, Milos, attempts to kill the goat, but is instead bitten by the goat. Cue the laugh track! Now Milos is possessed, attacking the members of the seance. See, you should have killed Dena! San Dena banishes the Lamia from the seance,but dies in the process. She was gonna die anyway! I feel like Seth Green in Austin Powers.
Rham Jas seals the cursed button in an envelope and then tells her that the only way to get rid of the curse is to give the item to someone as a gift, thereby passing the curse on to that person. Then why the hell you wait until now! So Christine attempts to find a recipient for the curse. Easy Stu, a bum or a rapist. She's in LA there are rapist everywhere. She decides to give the envelope to Stu. But she fucks this up how pathetic, tearful and panicky Stu is when he meets her. So what! Rham and why are we still getting advice from this guy? He tells her that she can give it to Ganush, even though she is dead, because "the soul never dies". Christine drives to the cemetery where she is buried and digs up her grave. Goddamn movie, this is starting to get silly. In a heavy downpour (and cliche') Christine jams the envelope in Ganush's mouth. The next day, Christine goes to meet Clay at Union Station. Her boss also leaves a message telling her that she landed her dream position after Stu confesses of stealing her work and gets fired. Hooray! She also buys a dress all everything! Clay, planning to propose, reveals to Christine that he found the envelope containing the cursed button in his car. Oh shit! Christine then realizes she mixed up her envelope with another that she gave to Clay when she accidentally dropped it. Ha! Wait, how stupid are you! Christine backs away falling onto the tracks. Why? As a train barrels towards her, fiery hands burst from the ground under the tracks. Clay can only watch in horror as Christine is DRAGGED TO HELL!!! The end!
Holy shit I love that ending. It's not Angela being a boy, two guys being the killers in Scream or The Happening sucking ass. But what I love about is the realization that your fucked, its the same feeling you get at the end of Saw or the Final Destination movies. But I love this movie. This movie was very silly and was kind of old school horror but it worked. The acting was good, the cgi was great, and the movie took a couple of risk. If anything I think movie could have edited out a few scenes but it was still done very well. And it's a fine way of ending Horror month. So no more horror movies thank you Jesus. Not until next October...nah, not really.