Beloved (Part 1)

Yeah! I'm shocked too! This movie counts as worthy for Halloween Month. 

I mean shit, there's a Poltergeist, several sex scenes...granted 1 is rape and two of them involve Danny Glover thrusting...Oprah...,a spooky twist and someone going insane. So what, if you think it doesn't count. I saw 5 movies with an unscary killer doll! This movie was written by a competent writer, Toni Morrison. Before you bash me, please name me a good black author who isn't Walter Mosley or Zane. (And you say Sister Souljah I hope the ghost of Langston Hughes stabs you in the eyes!) The book was a success, winning the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction in 1988. During 2006 a New York Times survey of writers and literary critics ranked it as the best work of American fiction of the past 25 years. Yeah, why the fuck doesn't anyone talk about this movie? Fucking Oprah was in it. Surround her 3 good actors in Kimberly Elise, Danny Glover and Thandie Newton. How the fuck did this movie fail? Okay I saw this movie at like age 15, so symbolism, tone, themes and shit like that was beyond me at the time. So now I'm older and I can look at this as a aged movie watcher.

Before I start, yes Oprah is in this movie. For those of you who don't know, yes Oprah is actually a great actress but she has only one speed. Tortured black woman. In every movie she's in, she has to be told "no, you can't do that"; she has to get slapped; talking like a slave or slave like; she has to cry and my favorite talk sassy black female shit. Now it's ironic that Kimberly Elise is in this cause the same could be said about her. She has to be told no; cry; slapped repeatedly; somehow her kids suffer; she gives a big speech; and she overcomes trail...sometimes. And this is me speaking on behalf of the 3BlackGeeks, we fucking like her. Give her a good movie Hollywood! What am I saying, Viola Davis is filling that void.

The movie starts off with a dog getting an eyeball removed by, Oprah in light makeup. (Seriously this happens) This takes place shortly after the Civil War, on the outskirts of Cincinnati. ...Louisville? Anyway, Sethe and her three kids are dealing with a pissed off poltergeist. So much so, her two sons leave the movie. The spirit of "whatever" is in her house ten years later. Wow, ten years with a ghost who wants to kill you. I seen people move because they saw one roach! Anyway we get Danny "Slave Fredrick Douglas" Glover as Paul D. If you have a Jersey Shore joke, good, you have some sense of humor. Sethe(Damn now thats a slave name) and Paul D are happy to see each other. And its very clear that Paul whats to drop it off in drawers...ewww. As he walks into her house, he feels the evil in the house. A part of the house even glows red. The fuck? That's quite subtle of you movie. Why not have Tim Curry in Clown makeup break dancing in front of it? We meet Sethe's daughter Denver who is standard Kimberly Elise. She even has her evil look and that's the scariest thing in this movie. When mentioning the spirit, Denver breaks down and cry. Wow Kim, 5 minutes in and you cry. That set a personal record for you. After that, Sethe tells Paul how she ran away from Sweet Home, the plantation they were on. We get flashes of young Paul D played by Brian Hooks. Hahaha, I'm not shitting you! It's homeboy from High School High! Also we see flashbacks of young Sethe being whipped, white people laughing, a man name Schoolteacher reading out of the book of "Shit I installed into the bible", and two guys making a woman lactate. ...yeah. I seen Preggo porn and hentai so this doesn't phase me. But age 15 Dee, wasn't ready for that shit! Shocked I'm not a rapist! We then hear Sethe  repeat the line "They took my milk" like 7 times! We then see Paul grabbing them titties and ewwww. Damn it movie, I didn't want to see the heads of my churches usher board fuck!

Thankfully the house agrees and goes all Amityville Horror. After Paul yelling some shit, I dunno "You shall not past!" Even thing settles. Denver cleans up and Sethe gives Paul some pus...ewwww! I should note Oprah doesn't get nude, but we see side boob and her sweating after sex.'s too much for me. We then see a creepy ass bog, a young girl in a black dress and flies all over her creeps out the water. It's Thandie Newton looking like the spawn of Satan. Or a Cradle of Filth video, which would be awesome. But then the movie soundtrack would suck! The movie pads for awhile at an carnival. Paul is living with them now? Well he's trying find work, connect with Denver, and 1860's bitches is hating. I'm not joking about that last part either, you guys were slaves 11 years ago. Black Unity is a fantasy I tell you. 

When they return to the house they see Thandie looking like nightmare fuel! This scares Sethe so much she runs to go pee. And we get to see it! Fantastic movie, I wanted to see Sister Armstrong at my church pop a squat! I get that scared her but did we have to see her pee? Anyway they dust the flies off her and give her some water. When asked about her name, she burps B-E-L-O-V-E-D. Sweet, now do the states! So she stays with the family. More like Denver takes care of her. With all this padding of teaching Beloved to walk and talk she's pretty much a baby. It's kind of funny watching how she can barely talk or walk. I hope this doesn't come full circle. With a new man child walking around it's a perfect time to bang...ewww! I live tweeted this movie, let me repeat to you want I posted. "Thank you movie, I did want to have sex with my wife, but you keep scaring my dick with Glover and Oprah fucking" and I meant that too!

We get some backstory on how Denver was born and how a man name Stamp saved them. This could have be said and overlayed in a short 4 to 7 minute scene but no! They fucking pad it for 20 minutes, cause between me working a 9 to 5, writing blogs, raising 2 small children, giving my wife attention and doing podcast...yeah, I GOT ALL THE FUCKING TIME IN THE WORLD! Paul finally asks the question everyone has been asking about. Who are you? Where are you from? Why you so clean for a black girl? Why you retarded? Beloved snaps on Paul and damn near chokes on her food. After this Sethe says a line that made me laugh. "You try being a black woman and see how it feels." There's Toni Morrison! I was waiting on that line. But for real, try being a black woman. Your both second classed citizens. Back then black men were killed by whites much more than women. Yes the women were either raped or humiliated but my point is one doesn't out weight the other! After that shit the director, Oprah, the Producers or somebody said, hit the slow button. We learn how Sethe made it from Sweet Home in Kentucky to Ohio. Lucky for her she was taken by a sweet old lady named Baby Suggs played by Beah Richards. Now with all the fucked up shit we seen and to be seen in this film, Beah Richards is so fucking awesome in this movie. We see how Baby kept Sethe's children and was waiting on her return. We even get to see a really deep scene were Baby is preaching in the woods. Telling the children to laugh, the men to dance and the women to cry. All of the struggle, the joy and the pain that blacks felt during that time summed up in one scene. Its very deep. It is padded out for a god 15 minutes but it's not bad. I don't speak for all blacks but I know I felt something.

...why not shit on this beautiful and emotional scene? I dunno I guess it was in the book. Sethe took Denver and Beloved to see the stump Baby Suggs preached on. Then tells Denver in so many words "fuck yo' daddy he's dead." And then leaves to start dinner. As she walks into the house, Paul D is bathing in a tub. And we see this and he stands up! Yes, we see Danny Glovers ass! By law of average there is at least 20 women got off to this. As for me, my dick decided to say fuck you Dee as long as that ass in tattoo'd into my brain, my sex life is over! Beloved runs to the house to find Sethe but hears Sethe and Paul D doing the nasty. Beloved leaves horrified and finds Denver at a creek. There she sees two turtles fucking and she...gets off to it?

Continue in part 2
Posted on October 31, 2012 .