JC In The Hood

Before I go into this movie let me say this. I am a Born again Christian. Despite my cursing and off the wall things I say, I do believe in God and hold him/her close to my heart. I'm considered a non-delivered Christian but it doesn't mean I have no moral ground. I respect other peoples viewpoints and I really dig some of the Islamic philosophy. Hell I can even respect a atheist reason for not believing in God. I don't believe in hating others for their beliefs or lifestyles. I treat everyone like the bible say, as my brother. This isn't my attempt on converting anyone that's not my job. I'm a podcast for video games, movies and anime. Religion ain't on that list. So call me a Jesus Freak. I am a Christian and not ashamed. Now on with this review.
                                              FUCK THIS MOVIE!

I've never seen a movie that just failed on every note. Sure, Troll 2 had shitty actors and costumes, but there was some outline of a plot! This movie tries to be edgy, risky and daring while sending a message. To bad the message was nothing, you got an empty box! This movie was produced, directed, and written by Dale Stelly. A man who is a D list Black movie God. With titles such as "Sweet Potato Pie" supposedly black people's answer to "American Pie".  And "Unemployment" which I'm sure wasn't ironic in the least. No stars, no comedians, no porn actresses or hell those black character actors who never say no aren't in his movies. I'm pretty sure for this flick he went to a church and held an audition and picked everyone who would be free from Thursday to Monday.This film does have one star if you wanna call him that, and he isn't even starring in it. Samuel Monroe Jr. in a role he's so proud of IT'S NOT EVEN ON HIS IMDB PAGE! I'm sure 60 bucks of the 500 dollar budget went to him. Fucking use him! The rest aren't failed actors of Black Hollywood...no...no they're actors that were turned away from doing your local insurance commercials.

It starts off like a VHS about "Synergy" at the workplace. We get a panning shot of four people. Enjoy that shot. They show them 5 damn times.... at least. I stopped counting after 5! It pads this movie too. Oh joy! So we then get a shot of JC, I'm sorry Jesus Christ...(banging my head on a table)...I'm sorry the director! Dale Stelly is Jesus Christ! Now he's not a bad black version of Jesus. That's if your version of Jesus is a dread locked  homie from the LBC or Tray Deee! (Make it out jail safe man)

Satan is a bit fun in this. He chews the scenery which is all I want in a bad movie, and he does it well. Satan looks like my Uncle. Hi-top fade, fire red Steve Harvey suit and black as hell. They talk while overlooking the Santa Monica Freeway. While I'm on it, fuck the cinematographer! They talk and I can't hear them because I'm sure there's no boom mic used in this flick. Jesus sounds like he was nailed in the back of the head with a bat and yet retained knowledge of the King James bible. Okay, why would he be quoting bible verses verbatim? Jesus was there before the King James bible was written! If anything he'd be speaking Hebrew, hell I'll take Latin or Greek! And he talks so slow. Eeyor and Droopy sound like Twista compared to this guy. How can you be the director and you have no idea you're the weakest link in the movie? In front or behind the camera.

So they make a bet that Satan can corrupt people. No shit, next you'll tell me that Darth Vader isn't a happy guy. The bet is "I can corrupt the world" and Jesus said his father will always win. Okay, this bet is stupid. God gave man free will. If Satan is the true embodiment of evil, then no shit he can corrupt the world. Jesus makes no sense because there are people who survive death and yet don't believe in God! So those four we saw before are the unfortunate guinea pigs in this experiment. Now this plan is just a telling of the temptation in the wilderness and while that story was more about Jesus himself resisting Satan as a type of example, it flips that to man being put in the position. Everyone got that? Because here's a *spoiler* it fails!

Our first victim is a gangster. I'm sorry I have no names IMDB didn't, neither did this movie. The gangster and his boy are getting ready to kill two dudes on the corner drinking 40s and talking about chicks they boned last night. Christian movie! Also they're wearing winter jackets in L.A weather, why? So before this happens, Satan morphs into the backseat and starts monologuing about...the folly of man? They shoot one guy but miss the other. After we see the gangster and friends celebrate as his boss sits on a car with the license plate that says "Director". Way to go Stelly! Afterward the other non-shot up victim goes to the gangster's house with Satan rooting him on from the backseat again. He kills our gangster and he goes to hell, wait limbo... purgatory? They never say but it looks like a closet with a spotlight and fog machine. There our gangster meets Angel Israel. Oh boy, Angel Israel! Who? Well I looked him up he's an archangel who is more of an representation of God's power. A.I. sends the gangster back to earth at the point just before he fired the shot. He doesn't do it. His buddy asks why not and the gangster doubles back on his lifestyle. After this change of heart, he finds Jesus. HOW?! Furthermore, Jesus cheated!

The next one is a hooker. She's pretty unbeaten the fuck up to be a pro. We see her pimp who I swear looks just like Baby Bash or El De Barge's Spanish lovechild. His pad has the normal things a pimp needs. Grandma furniture and movie posters. You know Scarface, Batman, Kazaam...Flipper? The fuck Stelly?! The writer of this movie leaves the bed happy about his blow job. Art imitating life? Also he calls her a good piece of ass. Christian movie! I see why Mary-Mary dug this movie. Wait, that was "Star Wars" my mistake. Well the hooker talks back, the pimp slaps the shit out of her without touching her face and later he just chokes the bitch out for saying that his "James Franco look isn't working for him". All this with Satan...okay, they didn't show it but he was jerking off looking at the choking. So the formula goes like this. Sinner, Lucifer banter, sin, death, mulligan, born again Christian. The fuck? GOD DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY! You died, that means the game over is over. You get nothing! You lose! Good day sir! So she dies, Angel Israel, do-over, ducks the fakest punch ever, somehow she's a born again Christian. Lucky for you and myself I didn't watch the other two guys a dope fiend and homeless man. This movie hurts me.

But it was in the dope fiend story I quit. This is what happens...... Three crackheads, one needle...sounds like one fucked up porn. They were sharing a huge prop syringe. My nieces Dr. McStuffins' syringe is more life like. But they're getting fucked up, on nothing! The plunger on this thing is already all the way down! How hard is it to make brown water! Then they all act happy and excited afterwards. No! Heroin, crack and meth doesn't make you hyper when you shoot it up! With the girl exclaiming "I love drugs!" This scene broke me so bad that I skipped to the end.

Now I skipped some scenes and I maybe wrong but Jesus did nothing in this movie! I shit you not! All he did was walk around L.A. in an all black robe(Enjoy the heat stroke Dale!) praying like some monk!

Our fantastic four make it to the church/community center/someones house and give their testimony. Why!? We've just seen it! This lasts for at least 10 minutes. 10 minutes of monologuing and copying Oprah from The Color Purple! All with the face of Compton Jesus praying overlaid through this scene. And then the movie ends. Hope this movie had a condom on, because I just got screwed!

I get that people do go through things of this nature, but this movie came off more exploitative then helpful.  People that go to Christ do it mainly because they need a total life turn around however they get to it. Either by just walking into a church, being raised in one, invited, however they make it.

Helen Baylor's spoken word song "Testimony" is about her life in music surrounded by drugs and destructive lifestyle. Then she talks about her deliverance, and with God given will power she made a turn around. That 10 minute song laps this movie 50 times. That's how that works. Only a fool Pastor, Prophet or churchgoer will tell you God will just fix it. No, it's a combination of the bible, friends/family, but mostly yourself. This movie belittles willpower and says God will do it for you. For that I say go fuck yourself. This movie is beyond bad and offensive. All I can say is if you think this is a good movie that displays the hardships of man and the never ending struggle against Satan and Jesus. If that is you, tell Angel Israel hi for me when God gives you a mulligan for that crack you're smoking!

3BlackGeeks Rating-
Dee - F
Posted on September 3, 2012 .